I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
