she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
