God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
