he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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