we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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