I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
