I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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