You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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