and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize