Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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