They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
