I can't watch pbs sober anymore
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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