I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
