she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
this must be what syphilis tastes like
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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