i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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