That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm getting married
To pizza
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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