i wish starbucks made bloody marys
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
