there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
being pregnant is like rehab
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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