allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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