Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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