hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
