I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
