You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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