He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
