I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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