Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Randomize
