So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
