All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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