I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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