My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
two words: eviction party
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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