I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
