The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
