i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
