He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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