Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
