On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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