Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
