Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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