you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
