Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
