Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize