dude i'm inner monologue high
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
