note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
