I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
