Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
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