chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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