Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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