Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
