my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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