epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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