And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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