the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
