uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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