Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
