If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
