If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
