Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
