Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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