my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
